No. I don't have it in me. I don't have it in me to start this absolutely enormous and overwhelming journey. As I investigate answers to my own questions and the ones posed to me by friends and skeptics, I find … more questions. The kind that are even harder to answer…the kind with no answer. I feel discouraged and tired. Inadequate. Confused. Who am I to do this? Now? At 40?
No. I don't have it in me.
And yet, He does. It's hard to phrase right, but I have felt stirred to apologetics since I encountered the word for the first time. He leads me to books and sites and questions and answers and people. I know there are sites that talk about what a true calling is, and I will go study them in time (my list of things to study only grows at an exponential rate), but I don't think I need an explanation to know I am called.
I cannot do it. He has to do it if it is His will. I'm grateful for all of it, even this spinning in my head.
I'm going to go to sleep now. I will remember to thank Him tonight for the gift of sleep.