Sisyphus’ Hope

“When an evil spirit comes out of a man, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that man is worse than the first. That is how it will be with this wicked generation.” [Matthew 12:43-45]


I sin. And sin again. And sin some more.

And I ask for forgiveness.

The next day, I do it again.

And those verses terrify me.

Some areas get better while some get worse. Am I any better on the whole? Or am I just the same old sinner with now the added bonus of this horrible sickening feeling when I do it?

I’m having panic attacks.

And yeah, btw, that’s a sin too – to be afraid.

Oh, sometimes I just want to give up. This is so HARD. I don’t understand. I am so bad at it all.

I won’t give up. I can’t give up. There is nowhere else to go. Jesus has the truth – IS the truth.

From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.

“You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve.

Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God.” [John 6:66-69]

My friend Tim wrote me this in an email a while back:

Take your feelings out and shoot them, Tracey. The Christian walk is largely about learning to get over them, and move from being feeling-based to reason-based, obedience-based, and love-based, where love is a choice, not a fleeting experience.

I keep pulling this out because it helps. I can’t help how I feel but I can help what I do. So I’m just trying to do.


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